"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."-Maya Angelou
Every time I am outside these days, I am surrounded by butterflies. They literally follow me on my walks, leading the path and stopping just inches away from where my feet land. I never take those precious moments for granted. I always pause to delight in their presence and the gift that they are from God. They always appear when I need hope the most or during the times I am overcome with joy in my life. They appear before and during any momentous occasion in some form. This past week and a half, I am seen more than ever before in my lifetime. It seems like my 51 acres has become a butterfly farm. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Butterflies hold such significance to my life. I speak very openly about my love for them and my connection. I feel like this is a perfect segway into describing my journey through the anorexia. It has been close to three years since I began this blog and first introduced myself to the world. Many of my readers did not know of my existence at that time and have entered into my life halfway through my metamorphosis. They may be unaware why my blogger name is Le Papillon, which means the butterfly in French. I thought I would use today’s blog to reintroduce myself to my current readers and my future ones who I will be blessed to welcome into my life.
You would think that at the mere age of twenty two, I would have little to share with the world having lived such a short time, but I am not your typical young adult. My life has been a journey of much suffering that has provided me with plenty to write about, share, and speak about in honesty and authenticity. I use it as a platform to inspire and give hope.
At the age of eight, my life changed forever. I entered into the world of anorexia. I describe my journey with the anorexia as the metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly. The anorexia represented the cocoon. I went in searching for something and found myself trapped in the process. From the outside, it looked as if nothing was going on, but big changes were happening inside. I was enduring trying times and experiencing difficult moments that lead me to rapidly change and lose what I once was. The old parts of me were undergoing a transformation. Every part of me was becoming different in this cocoon. The cocoon was hiding me. I was isolated from the world. I was using it as protection from all I did not want to feel or experience. It took my identity and molded my behaviors. It was controlling me. It became my security, but at the same time kept me imprisoned. Every year in it, it got stronger, making it harder and scarier to break out. It was painful and exhausting to be in the cocoon. It lead me to feel like it was my end, which it should have been many times, but God had a bigger plan. In reality, looking back now, it was just my beginning, the start of a breakthrough and self-discovery.
The years in the cocoon were excruciating and trying but were needed. It was helping me grow into the butterfly I was meant to be. They were molding me and creating a unique beauty to be shared with the world when I was ready to break free which meant accepting recovery. I reached the point where I was ready to come out of the cocoon. The transformation, while in the cocoon, is truly a miracle. What emerges in no way resembles the caterpillar that produced it. While in the cocoon, I experienced a complete disassembly of the cells that made up me as a caterpillar and the reassembling of those cells into my new form as a butterfly. I emerged looking different, but the essence of me was still there. I surfaced with my wings soft and folded up against my body, hiding who I was, insecure of what I would reveal by opening myself up to the world. I was still closed off, not sure yet about a new me and this life. I was unsure if I wanted to be free and out of the security of the cocoon. I completely changed in that time of the cocoon and so did the world. I had to find how and where I fit in. I had to decide if I wanted to spread my wings and start to fly. I was still holding on to part of the cocoon until I was confident enough to spread my wings and fly. I had to prepare myself to let go and make my life accommodating to staying free.
At the end of 2012, I reached the point where I was ready to leave the cocoon behind and let go completely. I accepted wanting recovery and making my mind and life conducive to a new lifestyle, and now I was ready to embrace and discover all it had to offer. The years with the cocoon had me developing in preparation to handle all my future would hold. I now had to pump blood, instill life, into the tiny shrived up wings to expand them and make them capable of flight. I had to strengthen them by experiencing more of life and becoming more familiar with the new me. I was vowing to fully be a part of a new life. I was dedicating myself to making changes. I was ready to discover myself and life in freedom. There was some faltering and falling in the process of being on my own. There was hesitation and fear of breaking free. There was uncertainty as to what I would be and look like in the world. I am still a work in progress when it comes to mastering flying, but every minute of working my wings is getting me closer. Now that I am in flight, my job is to travel and share my beauty. It is to spread hope and experience all life has to offer. It is to share my story to all the caterpillars in their cocoons so they gain the confidence to break free themselves.
It is through writing and my faith in God that I have found the most healing. This blog has been a huge source of revelations and renewal. Every blog is an honest look into my life-past, present, and future. I am so blessed to have an outlet for all my thoughts, emotions, and to give a voice to my pain, joy, and to those who have been silenced by the world or by their own selves. My metamorphosis is not yet complete. Through my writings and choosing recovery every day, I am growing and adding more strength and color to my wings. I am flying further and taking myself to new places that need beauty and hope. There are still struggles every day. there are still moments of frustration and temptation to retreat back to safety with my wings curled up. But for each of those moments, there are 100 that are absolutely blessed and full of life, happiness, and promise. They remind me in the times of trial why I have chosen to break out and leave the cocoon behind. From here, I will only fly higher. I will only go to more flowers and experience life’s beauty.
Comments
Absolutely beautiful and full of hope!
Jenna,
Thanks so much. What a great word.
blessings
Alan