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Spiritual Trauma
written by Michael McBane

Life, is unfortunately filled with trauma. It can be described in various ways. We all have had the crashes of life come falling upon us. It is never easy. Some trauma comes upon us and we can bring it upon ourselves. I here am going to take only a few aspects of trauma that we as Christians are confronted with. I hope to show a path to redemption.

Had I not been stirred from my sleep on a recent night with what I write here I would not even begin a sentence concerning this subject. It is not that it is unbelievable but that it has been costly. What I am writing about is from my personal experience and from observing others not being as effective as the Lord desires them to be. My expectations are high as is my daily anticipation. We are called to be fruitful and revealing of the fruit of His Spirit.

We are not collectively aligning to the integration of Christ within us, and therefore we are often misaligned in purpose, in the understanding of our calling and thus the function of calling, relationally we are not joined as we should be and therefore we at times are not even geographically where we are called to be. I have faith that the Lord is shifting much of what I speak of.

To truly understand the hows and whys of life is difficult. Especially when one has decided to set their face like flint towards knowing the Lord with all their heart, mind, and soul. So to attempt to navigate through the hazards that come in life is at times trying because if you are as I there is a certain rest in knowing that you are the clay and He is the potter. That is why I have increasingly been able to see that today is linked to an eternal perspective. Simply put I trust the Lord, and I do so because I have known His love in deep ways. And I continue to know it deeply. It is bigger then life. So I am learning to abide in the present moment. At the same time I look for the foremost integrated way I can to allow my life to reveal Him. It sounds as if I have totally contradicted my thoughts. I call it divine tension.

I carry a burden that we as a church rightly discern the body. I know that this is not always easy to do, I flinch at times knowing that these are costly words. Seems that peoples closets are filled with a whole lot these days. Which is one reason why we must grow up and into Christ with at the very least a diligent heart. This has not been something that has been cultivated with any determination by those who teach and the fruitlessness is evident as this has been a field of devastation, we at times have suffered needlessly. If it has been taught, it tends to be taught with a humanistic foundation and unitarian spirit neither of which set the absolute Lordship of Christ as the center of purpose. The causes of such failure within the believing church are multiple but they probably could be reduced to self protective behavior, fear of man, and an agreeable nature with the accuser of the brethren. Our culture is increasingly accusatory in dialogue. And because this is so prevalent in the church it leaves us without the wisdom and strength to address sin. Therefore we cannot discern the Kingdom of God for its reality as we tend to form it around our kingdoms. We have become reactionary. There seems to be an ambivalence to separating from the characterizations of the strongholds that dominate the culture in the world. I think this can be partially because we refuse to hold each other accountable. But as some have told me, there is no will to be accountable. I observe that many have an ungodly ability to control others by how they keep them removed from having any real ability to speak the truth even in love to one another.The art of manipulation is pervasive.This is a stronghold my friends that is rooted deep among us. We have created an atmosphere that tolerates spiritual tantrums. It is self centered and brings imbalance and in the long term it is a virus that denies life.This is evident in marriages and in relationships one to another. There is little to no broken or contrite behavior that builds love in relational purpose. To live in community one must see that they have a responsibility towards it and who they are can enlarge it or shrink it and likewise the community has a responsibility to those who God places there in. The excuses for the conformity to everything but Christ are outrageous.

Allow me to expand this statement, there seems to be an ambivalence to separating from the characterizations of the strongholds that dominate the culture in the world. For example if we consider anger we may as Christians have a righteous anger because of the multiple unraveling within society. But if that anger takes on the characteristics of the spirit of this world it will lack power and wisdom and be useless. It will sequester us and eat away at our peace. We function with little self control. We are persuaded not by the Holy Spirit but by influences that are devastating.

Another example would be, conversations that generate a spirit of brotherly accusation. These are justified with the need for discernment or having a higher revelation of truth which requires one to categorize people instead of placing them in places of value and trust. We have a culture that justifies the disintegration of individuals. We often live aggravated, tense and frustrated. Most hunger for something other then this but have adapted to behavioral patterns that are subjected to dark spiritual strongholds. It will take the Holy Spirit and a discipline among our fellowship to change. We first must see the collusions that we have made.

In arrogance we devour one another, to do so we forgot how God loves us. This uncovers how we relate to the Lord. To live in holiness is to relate in a way that forms wholeness.

Now I want to be more particular to what I felt the Lord share with me. Hoping that by doing so I will in turn take the weight of life off of many. The Lord shared with me how I had suffered from spiritual trauma but that this condition is pandemic in the church. He revealed to me how a lengthy and consistent and purposed plan of the enemy had been used to assault me and to destroy the call of my life. It was meant to make me ineffective. Very much like Joseph's brothers burying him for dead. It had the intricate plan of God watching over the plans of destruction. It was meant to demoralize me by breaking my self esteem, confidence, and even my heart to live. He also shared that the enemy had come and sought permission to shift me just as he did towards Peter and countless others. The Lord though knew how I had been confronted with His love, He knew my heart. He knew that through all of this He would cause me to endure with a hope that exceeded life. He knew that I valued Him above life. He reviewed some history of my life showing me how accusation after accusation, had pummeled me. He showed how men had not kept their word over and over and left me and my family without. Through this I was shown that the thing that generated almost all of these attacks was the tongue and the inability or unwillingness for so many to put on the mind of Christ. Believing faith is not as deep as we would like to think as trust is weak among our culture. There was not a will to renew the mind. This is not a blame it on someone or something confession. I was not absolved of sin as I was often contributory, I was shown how even my agreement with this spirit at times allowed much devastation. The unredeemed thoughts of the accuser protruded from the tongue as the weapon of choice. I saw how jesting often planted seeds of destruction, sometimes intentionally. I was shown how these attempts went to my early days in grade school. But I was also shown how the Lord insulated me through all of these deliberate battles. I saw how I was told that I was a disappointment because I did not fulfill the expectations of my parents, my teachers, my peers and then many of my spiritual mentors. But hear this, I do not think my life was bad, I was very aware of the things that I was reminded of but I have not had a unhappy of outwardly destructive life as compared to many.

A great weakness among us is to not recognize the ways of the enemy. God reveals the fruit of his ways to us. For instance his is a kingdom divided against itself. The characteristics are laid before us. If we see those come up in how we function one to another we must see that we have adapted to his ways. We need to adjust, we need to see the destruction at hand and determine to relinquish the behavioral habit we have complied with. We need to repent with discipline. Some may ask where is the grace it is in seeing the sin. The mercy is turning away from it.

I remembered how I was accused of the most outrageous things at times, things that were so crazy and impossible as I was not even in the geographic location of the named event at the time. I faced betrayal from men that I thought were closer then a brother. I am so grateful that somehow the Lord poured His grace upon me and wrapped me in mercy. I am so grateful that I was given the gift of a wife who saw our marriage as a journey of one purpose and that our children also were given the grace to flow in the deep call of God’s love. I have no words.

My back began to break down as time went on which had a direct relation to the continually disintegration of relationships. I state this to emphasis that we really do not comprehend the life we give to each other and the life we gain. Everything we do has consequence that is bigger then little ol’ me. So as our world continues to magnify the me it unravels the cords of life that allow community to function with roots.

I remembered how my ribs were broken once in a spiritual attack. I was walking and I was hit from behind when no one was around. It felt like I was hit with a ball bat. I fell to the ground in pain. I could not breathe. I eventually got up and found my back swelled with a protruding laceration which turned black and blue within hours. A trip to the doctors revealed ribs had been damaged. This attack I was told was generated by the fruit of words spoken against me. I was shown how the pain of my body and its inability to retain vibrancy and vitality was because of the accumulation of this and other attacks. Even the accumulation of disappointments and unfulfilled hope had eroded me emotionally more then I wanted to see.

I was then told that the vertigo that came upon me some years ago was the final blow. I saw how here I was disoriented and unable to function as I should in so much. I could not work, the simplest things were unattainable. I could no longer exercise. I was being reduced. I could not connect to common life and felt more of a burden to those around me then anything. I began to feel that the vision that I had carried for community growing out of who we were as a family had seen its day. I was loosing my will to fight. I had no tolerance for myself not alone others. It is odd that when we come to these places and we have known such spiritual high places that we long for life in strange ways. I was being reduced but I was understanding the love of the Lord on a different plain then ever before. I was being challenged because I was in a season where I did not see evidence of my prayers being answered but I knew they were heard. I have always wanted to pray with the Lord not at Him. So when silence came I felt suffocated but in my depths was the mysterious life of Christ. I could feel that I was caught in between a spiritual time frame. I longed to go home at times but I had within me a heart beat that told me I had a life yet to complete and that I had no idea what God had held for me and my family to come forth in.

This review culminated in this, I was told that I had been spiritually traumatized. I was shown how the Lord was putting me back together. I had a sense of hope blossom. The vertigo revealed the evidence that was systematic of not only my condition but was epidemic in the body. The burden I carried for the body I also had been allowed to share by the Lord, it was an intercessory perspective. My cry to see healing become our bread and to be the substance among us was truth. The longevity of my vertigo made me feel as if my head was detached from who I was. This disorientation was extreme as it was not dizziness but the inability to connect, I could not get to where I was going. My vision was unable to anchor. The necessity for us to receive the Lord as head of His body comes with an acceptance that He actually is the Head. We therefore must castrate our control. We must truly grow up and into Him in all things. We then honor what He honors and how He honors. We then love as He does, not because we are capable but because He equips and enables what He demands. He longs for us to partner with Him as sons but we must know Him as a Father first. Otherwise we are limited in how we reveal Him, in how we see Him in each other.

I was reminded that I was to remember the things along this road so that I would have wisdom and detect the ways of the enemy. I had been given much in what had seemed to be a barren season of life. These are things that are not always learned in books.

Many to many among us have suffered from the trauma of the Christian life. At times we have brought pain unto ourselves. We must own this if it is true. But we must also understand that God is always redemptive, He is always restorative. He sees beyond the present while asking us to abide in the present moment.

I in this review had a renewed desire to speak hope and life to others.Which is why I have shared it. I want to call forth life. I know I can’t save the world and I do not want to. I do pray that all that would hinder the high call of God in you would be removed in mercy and that there would be a true alignment to the Lord in this hour. I pray this for all who might take the time to read this. God is for us. He will not leave us barren. He does not lie.