I am including this intensely personal journal because it expresses what Jesus in me desires for you!
The following was written by a 22-year-old young man in ministry school
whom I have come to know and with whom I have enjoyed great times in the
Lord. He is an exceptionally fervent and hungry receiver of
understanding and impartation. Recently he had such a tremendous
encounter with Jesus that I felt I had to share his testimony with our
Iris mailing list. Here it is:
In the evening, I went to watch The Passion of the Christ.
I hadn't seen The Passion of the Cross since I was much younger. It didn't really
have significance at the time because I didn't really understand the
Cross. Watching was the most brutal experience ever. I wanted to get up
and walk out so many times, it was really excruciatingly painful to
watch what Jesus went through. At the end of the movie out of nowhere I
just lost control and started absolutely bawling my eyes out. This
continued for the next two and a half hours. While this was going on, I
had the most profound encounter with Jesus that I have ever had! He
showed me His heart! I felt His pain as He was on the cross and He
watched on at all the people who were crucifying Him with nothing but
absolute love for them. He loved them soooo much! What He was doing was
for them, and yet they beat Him, rejected Him, treated Him like a dog.
As all of this was happening, and thinking about the degree to which He
suffered, all that could go on in my head was just that THERE SHOULD BE
NO EXCUSE EVER NOT TO FULLY SURRENDER EVERYTHING! It is so not about us.
It is all about Him. Sometimes we don't want to suffer because it will
be uncomfortable for us- but it isn't about us. He already did the
ultimate suffering! There is so much going on in my head that I can't
really write it all out, and I'm not sure how to. I felt His love in me
intensely for this whole two-and-a-half-hour period and nothing comes
close to comparing to it. It was tearing me apart. He loves us SOOOOOO
much! He so desires to be known. He is so lonely so much of the time.
Not because Heaven isn't perfect or anything like that, but simply
because He loves EACH INDIVIDUAL that much that without them knowing
Him, it breaks His heart.
He showed me His heart for the lost and it was heart wrenching. How
could anyone still reject Him after He displayed the ultimate act of
love which goes beyond what we can grasp. I don't want to miss out on a
thing of what You did for me Jesus! Whatever You made available (in
regards to knowing You), I want it all. I don’t want to cheat You by not
stepping into knowing You to the degree that You have made available! It
was heart wrenching though seeing how much love He has for the lost and
how it so breaks His heart for them to not want to know Him. So much
love is worthy of it all- truly! And we are SO unworthy, and yet so many
still choose to reject Him, just like the way He was beaten on Earth. If
only they knew! It broke my heart.
He showed me His heart for the church, and that was super devastating as
well. I have never cried as hard as I did throughout this
experience. So painful because His love is the epitome of pure and Holy,
and to see how the world responds to it is so unjust! He was showing how
so much of the church doesn't truly know Him and how in so many ways He
has been reduced to a doctrine, an experience, a magic fairy who is
there to give us what we want in life, a series of biblical truths. HE
IS NOT! HE IS A PERSON, NOT A THING! HE IS SO RIGHT THERE LONGING TO BE
TRULY KNOWN. Beyond this too, I was shown how often we all make it about
ourselves. Seeking for a breakthrough (for us), or asking for things so
that we can do something for us and many other things. It is SO not
about us at all. It is about surrender!
Finally He showed me His heart for me. This just tore me apart
completely. I never fully understood the cross until tonight. The love
that came with it. It was excruciatingly painful because I could not get
low enough, or surrender myself enough in the moment to match what He
deserves. It is not possible to do. It was so sad that I couldn't do
this- all I wanted to do was hide myself. Not because I didn't want to
be seen, or didn't want more, but because I was so unworthy to even be
looked upon. As I am feeling and experiencing His love for me, I
suddenly became fully aware of all of my imperfections. Not in a
condemning sense at all because I was consumed by love, but I suddenly
realized how unworthy I am to receive such pure, Holy love. There are no
words I can put to it, but it changed my life (He keeps finding ways to
do this when I think it has already been changed). It killed me because
I was fully aware that despite all of these areas of imperfection (areas
both big and tiny of impure motives that I was or wasn't aware of) He
was not looking at any of it at all. All He wanted was to be with me and
being aware of it all, I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved with
that perfect love. How could I not have laid these areas down for Him?
Impure motives just come from a place of selfishness, where it becomes
about us. It isn't about us, it is about love and surrender for Him!
Then He turned to me and said something which I have heard, read and had
spoken over me 100s of times, but they didn't have meaning the way this
time did. I wasn't actually seeing Jesus, but He was there. He looked at
me and said 'you are righteous'. That was so devastating. He looks past
all of the imperfections completely because He just loves us as He
created us. He is right here! If He loves us with a love that doesn't
look at any of our imperfections at all, how can we ever have an excuse
to look at anyone else's imperfections? We need to look at them the way
Jesus loves them, which goes beyond comprehension-to the point of
laying your life down for them!
It was the most powerful experience I have ever had by far. Experiencing
the love of Jesus and seeing His heart. I'm completely wrecked right now
and can't ever be the same again after experiencing that. I really don’t
ever want to step out of this awareness ever again! He is so worthy to
be the center of attention all the time! He IS the point of everything.
And He is a person, not a thing! Jesus I want to know You the way You
want to be known! Not enough praise could come out of me for what You
have done, how much You love me, and for what You are doing in me and showing me.
Comments